Samantha Lyons

It’s early Sunday morning, my husband made me a latte and we are listening to acoustic covers on spotify while life happens around us. Jack realized we didn’t have beans for breakfast (American readers are so confused, but in England, they eat beans with breakfast- at first I hated it, but now I’m hooked.) Anyway, he ran to the store to get beans and Beckham was fussing, so I was standing up rocking with him, more like a slow dance. I do it with all three of my boys. Every mama does this with her babies, but I’ll get back to this.

Many people don’t know, but I get really nervous about doing things for the first time. I always have. I get pits in my stomach. It doesn’t matter what it is- if it’s my first time doing something, I really doubt myself, and I have to talk myself through it. I have to say in my head, “You will not feel this way when you get going.”

Since Jaxon (my seven year old) was little, I’ve noticed that he has the same characteristics in his personality. He would scream going anywhere for the first time, and I began trying to teach him some of my coping skills. Whenever he doubts himself, we talk about self fulfilling prophecy and how what you believe about yourself becomes reality. Last night Jaxon had his first football game. He’s been playing soccer for years and is really quite good. But, it was his first football game, and I knew he would be filled with self doubt. And then I watched him run out on the field. He was so brave. He looked like he had been doing it for years and had such an eagerness to learn, and I thought to myself, “Sweet Lord, that’s my baby out there.” I just wanted to run out and tackle him to the floor and bring him into a cradle. Like, no can do! You are my little child. I couldn’t believe it. He gave me a thumbs up, and he didn’t look nervous or skeptical or concerned, and I thought- he’s better than me. What an emotional thought. See as parents, often we don’t see the fruits of our labor. There are times where I think my kids clearly don’t absorb a single thing I say. But, when he looked over at me- I felt it. I know he did, too.

That brings me back to this morning. I’m slow dancing with Beckham, not even two months old, and a song comes on in acoustic that every single person knows. But, today- I heard it differently. Sit down, moms because I’m going to save you the suspense- this sparked an ugly cry.

I’m swaying my newborn and I hear-

Every breath you take…

Every move you make…

Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day…

Every word you say…

Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you .

It’s by The Police but this particular version was a cover by Aaron Krause ft. Liza Anne. LOOK IT UP. I can’t tell you how hearing this song differently absolutely paralyzed me. Just looking around at my babies- all at different stages and growing and changing right in front of my eyes. It’s like the song spoke to me in a whole new way- like an awakening that I so desperately needed. It’s just the truth. I’m watching them. And often I’m moving them along from task to task and trying to teach them what I know. You go through all the motions as a parent. We are all out here just trying to survive. It’s hard, guys.
Kids are wildly tough. I never imagined how trying it could be.
Sometimes I’m like holy grail, if Jaxon doesn’t get up and brush his teeth right now, I’m going to absolutely lose my mind once and for all, or if Hudson dumps that bottle of water he just begged for- he’s only allowed cups with lids until he’s 17. I don’t care.

But my whole heart just caved as I listened to the words. It’s so hard to get caught up in the day to day woes. I was rocking my newborn and looked over to see my toddler playing legos- and he looked up at me and said, “Oh, mommy girl- I’m buildin’.” Then I thought back to last night at the football field when Jaxon’s eyes locked with mine and he put his little thumb up. The same thumb that rested countless nights on my chest just the way Beckham’s was now.

The days turn into nights and the time just slides through the hour glass and somehow like daylight robbery- they grow up and I’m just watching.

The thing is, I know there will be a time this week when all hell is breaking loose, and I’m trying not to fall apart as a mom. There will be that time this week for all of us. And you know what? We are allowed to fall apart. And then we need to get it together, And when we put those little babies to bed that night, we need to just watch them.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you

I promise you that if you are a parent, you’ll never hear the song the same. I can only speak for up to age seven. But, to the parents with kids graduating high school, going to college, getting married, and reaching their dreams- I see you, too. The last time my mother in law was here, I said to her, “It’s hard for me to grasp that you see Jack the way I see my boys. Is it weird?” And her response was JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

She said, “It never stops being weird because you remember everything.”

The song continues on and the lyrics are:

Oh can’t you see
You belong to me
My poor heart aches
With every step you take

Nothing in the world is better than watching your babies grow. But my God, it stings. That little thumbs up was just him letting me know he’s okay at his first football game and before I know it, it’ll be through the glass window with news that his baby’s here. Now that’s bitter sweet.

Babies grow up, and even though sometimes I want to turn the clocks forward and shout, “bed time!” at 6:30, today I’m profoundly aware that my days with squishy feet in my bed and little thumbs on my chest are numbered.

Every move you make
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you