Every Move you Make, Every Step you take- I’ll be Watching you.

It’s early Sunday morning, my husband made me a latte and we are listening to acoustic covers on spotify while life happens around us. Jack realized we didn’t have beans for breakfast (American readers are so confused, but in England, they eat beans with breakfast- at first I hated it, but now I’m hooked.) Anyway, he ran to the store to get beans and Beckham was fussing, so I was standing up rocking with him, more like a slow dance. I do it with all three of my boys. Every mama does this with her babies, but I’ll get back to this.

Many people don’t know, but I get really nervous about doing things for the first time. I always have. I get pits in my stomach. It doesn’t matter what it is- if it’s my first time doing something, I really doubt myself, and I have to talk myself through it. I have to say in my head, “You will not feel this way when you get going.”

Since Jaxon (my seven year old) was little, I’ve noticed that he has the same characteristics in his personality. He would scream going anywhere for the first time, and I began trying to teach him some of my coping skills. Whenever he doubts himself, we talk about self fulfilling prophecy and how what you believe about yourself becomes reality. Last night Jaxon had his first football game. He’s been playing soccer for years and is really quite good. But, it was his first football game, and I knew he would be filled with self doubt. And then I watched him run out on the field. He was so brave. He looked like he had been doing it for years and had such an eagerness to learn, and I thought to myself, “Sweet Lord, that’s my baby out there.” I just wanted to run out and tackle him to the floor and bring him into a cradle. Like, no can do! You are my little child. I couldn’t believe it. He gave me a thumbs up, and he didn’t look nervous or skeptical or concerned, and I thought- he’s better than me. What an emotional thought. See as parents, often we don’t see the fruits of our labor. There are times where I think my kids clearly don’t absorb a single thing I say. But, when he looked over at me- I felt it. I know he did, too.

That brings me back to this morning. I’m slow dancing with Beckham, not even two months old, and a song comes on in acoustic that every single person knows. But, today- I heard it differently. Sit down, moms because I’m going to save you the suspense- this sparked an ugly cry.

I’m swaying my newborn and I hear-

Every breath you take…

Every move you make…

Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day…

Every word you say…

Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you .

It’s by The Police but this particular version was a cover by Aaron Krause ft. Liza Anne. LOOK IT UP. I can’t tell you how hearing this song differently absolutely paralyzed me. Just looking around at my babies- all at different stages and growing and changing right in front of my eyes. It’s like the song spoke to me in a whole new way- like an awakening that I so desperately needed. It’s just the truth. I’m watching them. And often I’m moving them along from task to task and trying to teach them what I know. You go through all the motions as a parent. We are all out here just trying to survive. It’s hard, guys.
Kids are wildly tough. I never imagined how trying it could be.
Sometimes I’m like holy grail, if Jaxon doesn’t get up and brush his teeth right now, I’m going to absolutely lose my mind once and for all, or if Hudson dumps that bottle of water he just begged for- he’s only allowed cups with lids until he’s 17. I don’t care.

But my whole heart just caved as I listened to the words. It’s so hard to get caught up in the day to day woes. I was rocking my newborn and looked over to see my toddler playing legos- and he looked up at me and said, “Oh, mommy girl- I’m buildin’.” Then I thought back to last night at the football field when Jaxon’s eyes locked with mine and he put his little thumb up. The same thumb that rested countless nights on my chest just the way Beckham’s was now.

The days turn into nights and the time just slides through the hour glass and somehow like daylight robbery- they grow up and I’m just watching.

The thing is, I know there will be a time this week when all hell is breaking loose, and I’m trying not to fall apart as a mom. There will be that time this week for all of us. And you know what? We are allowed to fall apart. And then we need to get it together, And when we put those little babies to bed that night, we need to just watch them.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you

I promise you that if you are a parent, you’ll never hear the song the same. I can only speak for up to age seven. But, to the parents with kids graduating high school, going to college, getting married, and reaching their dreams- I see you, too. The last time my mother in law was here, I said to her, “It’s hard for me to grasp that you see Jack the way I see my boys. Is it weird?” And her response was JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

She said, “It never stops being weird because you remember everything.”

The song continues on and the lyrics are:

Oh can’t you see
You belong to me
My poor heart aches
With every step you take

Nothing in the world is better than watching your babies grow. But my God, it stings. That little thumbs up was just him letting me know he’s okay at his first football game and before I know it, it’ll be through the glass window with news that his baby’s here. Now that’s bitter sweet.

Babies grow up, and even though sometimes I want to turn the clocks forward and shout, “bed time!” at 6:30, today I’m profoundly aware that my days with squishy feet in my bed and little thumbs on my chest are numbered.

Every move you make
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

5 Things I learned about Motherhood from my Husband

YAYYYY! First brand new post on my new platform. I should have done this years ago, and to be honest, my last post made me realize I needed to just go for it. So here we are! If you have been reading my blogs for some time, I am going to be spending the first few weeks previewing some of my favorite writings so far and writing new material. 🙂 All of my inspiration comes from moments in my every day life, and when I was in the shower the other day, I realized my shower experience has changed quite a bit.

Showers used to be really stressful for me. When my first born was a toddler, he was SO attached to me and would just SCREAM and SCREAM. I would get so much anxiety, and I would start rushing. I wouldn’t shave my legs properly so it would leave me feeling itchy the next day. Showers were NOT relaxing.

Nowadays, my shower is my absolute favorite “me time” of the day. My showers are HOT, and I really take my time. Yesterday I was letting the water hit my face and found myself thinking about how different my life is now. It’s 100% due to my husband and what he has unintentionally taught me about my life and who I am as a mother and woman in general.

Many of you don’t know me well enough to know how special and divine my relationship is with my husband. Our story is pure bliss and romance. I promise to share more and more with time. 🙂 I have been made better through our relationship. We are firm believers in equality in marriage, and there is no one who inspires me more than him.

That being said, here are some life changing things that I have learned about motherhood through my husband. Every woman needs to remember these things, so if you don’t have a Jack Lyons- let me be him for you. 🙂 Consider it done.

  1. Motherhood makes you beautiful. Not like romper and wedges beautiful. Like, falling asleep during a night time feeding and cuddling a toddler crying about the way his socks feel- beautiful. When we came home from the hospital after having our third baby, my mother-in-law said, “Wow honey, you look so amazing!” He didn’t even direct it at me, but as he was walking by his mum (he’s British) he said, “She honestly looked like that two minutes after she had him.” *SWOON.* I’m sure I was far from glamorous, but what I mean is, my husband’s idea of beauty has transformed to match this time in our lives. As I was nursing our two day old baby, completely depleted, wearing a hospital grade pad (I just lost all the male readers LOL), and thinking about the daunting reality that I was now a mother of three- I was feeling pretty far from beautiful. His comment made me feel radiant on the inside and outside. Like, I just HAD A BABY. I am a queen! I can do this.

2. Motherhood gives you anxiety, and he always reminds me to calm down. Oh my gosh- literally from the second you find out you are pregnant, you question every single decision. Too much caffeine? What will happen to my baby if I just eat the lunch meat? And then it just continues on forever and ever. Am I just never going to have everything under control for as long as I live? Like, you never stop wondering. Is it bad my kid isn’t potty trained yet? Is this fever too high? How much screen time is TOO much screen time? Is my kid going to need therapy because of the way I just shouted? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten into bed and said, “Am I absolutely blowing it?” Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you’re not. No one knows what they’re doing- just calm down. Cool your jets.

3. You are not alone. It’s really easy to feel alone as a mom. That’s because you go along day to day trying to make the right decisions for your kids and it’s exhausting because what’s best for them is hardly ever what’s easy for you. Mom is always the last to eat. It’s tricky to remember to take care of yourself. My husband reminds me to do that. He shows me that I’m not alone. Before I had Beckham, I used to get Hudson out of the car every morning and walk Jaxon into school. I worried my whole pregnancy that I would have to get the double stroller out every day to get Jaxon to his classroom. Jack suggested the *GASP* car line. Surely not. Surely I wasn’t considering dropping off my child through the car line. How would I know he got to his classroom? Did he get to his little seat? Did he hang up his backpack? Oh, freaking hell- did he put his lunch box in the bucket?!?! Here’s the thing- I needed to let go a little. I needed someone to tell me. And guess what- we did it. My golden child. My first born prize got out of the car and walked to his classroom and I left (and texted his teacher to see if he made it, WHAT A DWEEB.) And let me tell you friends, WHAT A DREAM. Car line was absolute bliss. I’ll never go back. I know I’m not alone, we all have these moments- but you need someone to remind you that they’re right there with you and that what’s easy for mom matters, too.

4. You are SO needed. My kids absolutely LOVE my husband. He’s fun, ya know? He can throw them higher. He can kick a soccer ball harder. He plays the music louder in the truck. I mean, I can play hulk smash for awhile and then I’m done- I need a break. My husband could wear a hulk smash mask for three hours. He doesn’t care. He’s COOL. But you know what? I’m momma. You just can’t take that away. When all hell comes barreling through the door, where’s mom? We are important. Our middle son, Hudson, is OBSESSED with Daddy- but the two times he has been sick, he thought Jack was a fungal rot. He was like a little koala on me for DAYS. Dad was a little disappointed, but he’s the first to say, “he needs momma.” Similarly, when my oldest son, Jaxon, has soccer and they’re driving home and I’m on speaker, I can hear him begging for the phone so he can tell me about the goal he scored or how he skinned his knee. Sometimes the answer is daddy, but let me tell you- momma’s the one. We just never get old.

5. Moms are superhuman. Every single mom can name certain days where they still don’t know how they did it. One night a few weeks ago, the kids had a really rough night. We were both up multiple times. Who sleeps, anyway? It was two days later and Jack said, “I’m so tired, I think it’s still from the other night- you can operate normally on a shit sleep, but I just can’t.” It made me laugh, but how true is it?! I NEVER sleep more than three consecutive hours. Like, not in YEARS. A night’s sleep from two days ago? I don’t even know him. Those are old news problems- sailed ships if you will. A few weeks later we were talking about it to friends and Jack said, “She literally has one cup of coffee and it’s like nothing ever happened- she just does her day.

I’m telling you- he makes me feel super special. But, it’s not just me- it’s moms everywhere that just need a reminder. We are killing it! We are all just out here winging it, and we are making it look easy.

Falling in Love with Reality

***I am super excited because this is my first time using this new platform and site. As I reviewed and saved all of my work, I realized through the messages from readers that they were helping people. I decided that I would start taking my writing seriously and giving it the justice it deserves.***

Over the past few weeks I have been reflecting on why I don’t post more blogs. First of all, I absolutely love writing. It’s therapeutic to me. It gives me the ability to share my perspective. It also lets me record my words in a forum that will allow my husband and kids to be able to access them forever. What is cooler than that?

People ALWAYS ask why I don’t post more, and my response is that I’m just too busy. But am I? I’ve always said, “you make time for what you WANT to make time for.” If that’s the case, why don’t I write?

Yesterday I was scrolling through instagram under #momblogger, and it really dawned on me. I don’t fit in this category. I just don’t. I’m not knocking the moms I was seeing, because God knows we need to be uplifting each other. All I’m saying is that I don’t fit in the popular crowd in the industry, and I don’t want to.

Here’s the thing, social media today is all about perception. People see what is in a picture, and it creates a false idea of what actually exists. It’s not that I want to post unedited pictures of my kid having a tantrum, but I also don’t want to order matching outfits from Pottery Barn on my credit card and set up a beach picnic.

In terms of social media, can we fall in love with real? Can we fall in love with truth over a facade? Can we get rid of perception and just have reality? And in terms of each other, can we do the same?

Can we stop comparing or trying to emulate a lifestyle that isn’t true? Is there room for just the average mom? Moms who wake up trying their best to create memories and end up trying their best to make it to bedtime?

Can we just shamelessly choose to make choices day to day that work best for our families? Can I tell you that I sometimes yell at my kids and ask my husband if I’m an awful mother? Is it okay to share that our almost 18 month old baby still nurses 3 times a night? Can I admit that I sometimes don’t want to talk when I see you at Target? Is it okay that the extent of my workout routine is walks around the block with my family? Can I love God and not mention it every other sentence?

Can we just be unapologetically ourselves? 

Can I brag about my kids because they’re mine? Is it okay to stop trying to pretend that I don’t have clean laundry sitting in my dryer literally at any given moment? Our puppy is cute, but I would be a big liar if I didn’t tell you about the annoyed texts I sent my husband every morning for like three weeks straight. “Send help. Our house smells like six bags of pure Walmart ass.” Am I allowed to say “ass” publicly?

Is it time to admit that my husband makes dinner more often than I do and sometimes better than I do?  Can I tell you that he and I fight next to NEVER, without it being a competition in your head for what you experience in your own marriage? Can I share that our most significant disagreement in the last six months was over a stuffed animal rabbit, and I was so upset I cried? LOL (He will laugh when he reads this.)

Also, do you know how we afford to go on lavish vacations? We book them with a deposit. You have until a month before you leave to pay for it. We try our best, put whatever is left on credit card, and pay it off (or just pay the minimum balance), whatever we can afford that month.

Can I tell you that I don’t monitor screen time? That I had to borrow sun screen from another mom at soccer camp on the first day? Can I share that I stare at my kids and genuinely believe they’re perfect? That I play outside with them and kick a ball at a goal when I’d rather be doing literally anything else. Is it okay that everyone tells me, “You’ll get your girl one day,” and I don’t know if I want one?!

Can I tell you that I’m not going to yell at my kids in order to get the perfect picture? That my husband is THE BEST and lets our rabbit live in our walk in closet because I’m obsessed with him. Is it okay to admit that I don’t know how I will manage three kids, school, work, and soccer? Can I tell you that I drink coffee while pregnant? If I’m wondering how you keep your house so clean, can I just ask you right then and there? Can you tell me that you shoved everything in your closet and then show me?! And then stop doing that when I come over? Is there room for all of this in the blogging industry?

Is there room for downright raw and pure reality? I feel like I just crave NORMALITY. I want to be genuinely happy for your successes but also not judge if there’s a hanger and half eaten granola bar in the background of your latest picture. In fact, I’d prefer that you leave it there instead of trying to quickly create the perfect back drop because then I can relate to you, because, I too, have the same exact reality.

Am I the only one that thinks blogging needs more, “what you see is what you get?”

Can we just embrace uplifting each other? Live unapologetically? Can we all just throw caution to the wind and do the best we can? Is there room for that on social media and in mom blogs and in life in general?

Here’s to admitting that I had to rewash yesterday’s last load of laundry so my family doesn’t smell of mildew.

Here’s to welcoming the Christmas blanket in the picture year round.

P.S. It’s 80 degrees in Florida this week, so don’t call me a hypocrite when I post my picnic beach pics. It’s allowed if it’s REALITY. 🙂